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1. I have not been all that productive today. Today has simply passed by.
2. I have an ache in my left shoulder blade which is often an indication of production, or at least of writing something.
3. Today I have been writing on average at the rate of sixty five point five seven one four two eight five one six seven words per hour, or thereabouts. Or rather this is what it looks like based on the words that now stare back at me from the screen. I think I may be deleting at a more productive rate. I will try and monitor the production output of this destructive process more efficiently in future.
4. Only eight emails sent yesterday which was disproportionately small against the number of times email had been checked. I am concerned about such moments of compulsive non-productivity and time-wasting. They do not feel especially resistant gestures
5. The alarm bell went at five thirty this morning as it has done for three days now. The next hour is choreographed to minimise wasted minutes and to allow me to leave the house by six fourty five and to catch my train at seven fourteen. On arrival at my destination I wait for three minutes and catch a tram across the city to get me to work 'on time'. I leave at around five fifteen in order to get back to the station for five fourty two. I arrive back slightly later than last night or perhaps it feels later because I am slightly more tired than I was yesterday and again slightly more than the day before.
6. I am not at or in work tomorrow so perhaps I will make or do work instead. I must try and remember this distinction for at times this nuance becomes blurred.
7. I am finding it hard to write - to write here. My attempt at reportage so easily slips to the confessional. I am finding it hard to not feel self conscious - not to think about who is listening in. Today has not been very productive at all so far. I have exchanged fourteen words for a different fourteen words and that is all. I think I might have a cup of tea and try again later.
8. I have been waiting to hear back on a text. I have duly changed one word for another, deleted two more words and moved a line down through the body of the text by eleven lines. I think that I have now completed this task.
9. I don't think I will be doing much work today. I am sorry. Production has been stopped for essential maintenance.
10. It is not that easy. There are certain things that I have forgotten to do. Certain things that cannot wait until tomorrow
11. I am feeling resentful as looming deadlines determine today’s actions. I know that it is too late to back track on commitments made at quieter times. Guilt and obligation have become the hardest task-masters. I am wishing I had not been so eager. I am wishing I had said no.
12. I am afraid I am letting you down. I am finding that things are falling out of sync. I am concerned that the efficiency of my own production has been compromised by the facilitation of other's actions. I know what I should do but I am unable to say no
13. Writing proposals has left me feeling a little fraudulent. I know I need to add more detail but at this stage I do not know what else to say. At other times they feel like empty promises. I am worried that I will not be able to meet their claims
14. Today there is no time for time wasting It is not a day for wasting time. I am finding however that I am easily distracted. I am unable to concentrate on the task at hand
15. I am thinking about the blurred divide between my ideas and other's thoughts and how sometimes it becomes difficult to distinguish where one stops and the other begins. Today I am wanting to be sure that these are my words. Today I am wanting to be certain
16. The lower lid of my eye has begun to twitch from staring too long at the screen of my computer. I am curious whether my labour may be measured by this barely perceptible vibration. Whether my productivity may be counted out according to my various bodily twitches per minute
17. It felt necessary to let them have their moment - to limit the details of my involvement and yet I am feeling exhausted by their success. Today I must move on to other things as one thing is completed another will always inevitably fill its place
18. Today I feel as though I have been running on a half life battery like when you recharge something only partially in a moment of haste or out of necessity because you need something there and then when it cannot wait. I feel as though I have been operating at a dim level of power today only partially illuminated or only partially switched on. I am thinking about all those warnings from technicians at art school about what happens to video battery packs if they are not wholly discharged before they are powered up again. About how the battery life will gradually deplete and deplete and deplete until there is nothing left to charge up and about how the camera will become eventually defunct only able to stutter for a moment before crashing. I am thinking about this warning and wondering whether I might need an early night
19. I am done in. Tired out. Wasted by the day's proceedings. I am unsure what else can be said at the present moment. I am hoping that this will be a passing phase. There are still things to be arrranged
20. Yesterday was plagued by some kind of crisis in confidence. Today however things aren't nearly as bad
21. In quieter moments today I have been a cat, a dog, an eagle, a hanging swan, a king pigeon, a lion. I have been thinking about the relationship between yoga and my practice and about how ideas around strechiness and elasticity might be thought through in relation to the notion of latency and production. How the exhaustion of the body or at least the giving in or yeilding of the body might be mirrored in intellectual terms. I have also been thinking about breath in relationship to these ideas
22. I am not sure how long I should wait nor how much longer I can wait. I am not sure whether to send it as it is or give her a little more time. I feel trapped in a limbo produced by other's inaction. I am hoping that she sends it soon
23. An accepted proposal has been registered with a slight twinge of fear. I will however try to remain undaunted. I will try and remain calm and not worry too much until nearer the time
24. I am transcribing a conversation between myself and another artist and feeling uncomfortable at the inelegance of my voice compared to the articulacy of another. I am not sure whether this is a genuine cause for concern. I think I am perhaps more uneasy at listening to the sound of my voice rather than its content
25. Today I am obliged to reorder my ideas according to the Chicago Style manual. It will be the third time the same text has been reorganised at the wishes of another's logic. I am a little frustrated by these endless repetitions. I want to move on to other things but am locked into a process where I must go over and over the same words endlessly shifting their style and formatting and then endlessly shifting it back again. At the same time the re-reading of already written ideas can be a quite comforting. It can be rather reassuring to acknowledge that there was in fact an idea at some point or a set of thoughts worth pursuing. I must pledge that this pleasure must remain only a temporary indulgence. I must remember that treading water is only valid in a state of emergency when there is nothing else to be done
26. I have not forgotten. I have been meaning to make time. I have been negotiating other obstacles. I have been trying to find other ways around
27. I have been thinking about moments of over production and how this has been impacting upon my mobility in different ways. In going to work I am finding that I do not have the time to walk to work nor walk back so I am increasingly feeling like a static thinking object being transported about by other technologies that have come to take the place of my feet. At home the opposite is true as all of the necessary technologies seem to be breaking down and collapsing if not through over production then at least through lack of care. It is not possible to email and print from the same room or machine Complex manoeuvres are necessary to complete even the simplest administrative operation. I have to climb stairs between one word and another. I have to detect unexpected wireless zones to make connections beyond my immediate space
28. I have been trying to complete an AHRC application which has increasingly felt like some kind of test of character or trial of Proppish proportion. I have been unable to locate the items I need nor seek the help required to complete this task. I fear will have to start over again tomorrow. I fear I had thought it would make sense
29. I am feeling a little guilty as others activities register with a sense of resentment. I am not sure what I begrudge in relation to others production. I think it is perhaps that I feel pressured to respond in a commensurate manner - that I need to somehow account for my own actions in a similar way. I am not quite ready to recite my actions like a litany
30. I am experiencing that slight tremour of adrenalin felt when there are too many things to do. I have made a list but seem unable to tackle the first task. I know I would feel better if I just got started and stopped dithering. However I am currently locked in a moment of indecision about where to begin
31. I do not think that there will be much time for reflection today
32. I am experiencing a momentary feeling of lightness as a proposal is finally dispatched and I am no longer responsible for its future. It seems as though these things come in waves. For some time now I have been sending out these tentative declarations like messages in a bottle. All I can do now is wait
33. I must resign myself to the fact that I write too slow or that writing comes too slow. The process of writing is a slow endeavour. I am unable to produce in a manner that is commensurate to the time spent undertaking each given task. I do not seem to have enough hours. I need to find better ways of recirculating phrases and extending the lifespan of each line. There can only be so many ways of saying the same thing
34. Looking back I seem to have neglected all the epiphanies and more minor breakthroughs. I seem to have forgotten to record the moments of insight and all the times when things felt as thought they were going well.
35.Tomorrow will bring respite from one work and the chance to focus on another. I have been longing for this time for some time now but am concerned how to make best use of it. There is much to be done and yet I know what I really need is time to be doing nothing.
36. These fractured moments of real time are too far and few between. In the pockets of space within a usual week there is never enough time to feel immersed or to become absorbed or to get lost. It always feels too hasty and pefunctory. It too often feels more like a re-acquaintance with ideas rather than anything more
37. I must come to terms with the provisionality of my thinking and except that it is still possible to speak without necessarily being in possession of all of the facts. Failure to acknowledge the partial status of thinking I think might lead to a kind of mental paralysis or involuntary muteness. Even with the best intentions these things can never be exhaustive. Rather the opposite is true as each line of enquiry reveals further trails to follow. Quickly and without due care things might spiral out of control. This is nature of the irresolvable quest at the heart of research practice. The terrible dilemma of any pursuit in search of an indeterminable or undeclared goal. It begs the questions I suppose of how you know when you are there when there has not been decided in advance. I suppose it is to do with knowing when enough is enough. Knowing when to call it a day. Not a case of when to throw the towel in of course but rather at what point it is possible declare the limits of your current knowledge. At what point does it become possible to say that this is what I think about these things. This is where I am now. Maybe it is better to think of such matters according to the rules of a game. Only when the buzzer sounds will I tell you what I know. Only when you have guessed the password will I reveal my secrets. Only at half time may I make my substitutions
38. I am too easily seduced by an interesting proposition. I had my time already full but seem unwilling to sacrifice this new opportunity even knowing that it will cause extra strain
39. This really is the last thing that I will agree to until I can definitively say that I have the time. This one feels as though it would be foolish to turn down. There are however implications to this decision. I must not forget how these decisions necessarily impact on other aspects of my life.
40. That the task at hand is being managed only to a point of being good enough is making me feel a little uneasy. This is undoubtedly a pragmatic decision about not spending more time than is necessary on something that is not really central to my current thinking but which has been agreed to none the less. And yet I am still finding this a problematic condition of practice. It feels a waste of production and energy but not in a good way. I am going through the motions. I am making all the moves. I am unwillingly playing the game. I am concerned that doing something half heartedly still means giving over
half of one's heart. I am feeling this pull of emotion in each word typed. I feel duly torn in two
41. There is an undeniable sense of pleasure as this particular activity is finally completed. There have been moments when I felt like giving in. When I have considered abandoning the task at hand. Maybe this would have been a better way forward. However I am glad I stuck it out
42. I am interested in the disparity between my thoughts and actions. My own production does not always reflect the ideas that I am interested in. There feels at times an uneasy tension between form and content between the words and work itself. I need to find more effective ways of reconciling these concerns. Sometimes they feel as though pulled in different directions
43. Yesterdays event brought unexpected reassurance and has made me reflect on the turn that things have taken and on how this is not the only line of enquiry to be followed. It made me realise that for some time now I have been taking the wrong tangents and following unnecessary rules. It is true that I had perhaps stopped attending to the nature of the decisions made along the way. I needed to be reminded of this because I think I had begun to forget where I was coming from and was losing a sense of how I might return
44. I have also been thinking about how my body clock or metabolism might be impacting on my production levels and have come to the sad realisation that my best time for thinking is in the very early hours when I am usually sound asleep; before the day has had chance to imprint itself and impose its daily restrictions and obstacles. There is significant regret and disappointment at this realisation. I am not sure how to remedy this dilemma. I am not sure what adjustments could be made
45. The authorative argument can at times feel rather a prohibitive manouevre conversationally speaking. Evidence and referencing can seem litigious. Certain positions are framed as irrefutable. There are particular phrases that are not possible to contest. I am noticing that I am preferring the nature of possibility over promise and the idea of suggestion before declaration. However I am also thinking about the notion of suggestion and how it might have both speculative and coercive connotations. Todays event has been another moment of revelation or of realisation. I am glad that I went but do especially want to repeat the gesture
46. On this occasion I have finally managed to say no
47. I like how the time indicating when an email has been sent can function as a perculiar barometer of another's production. I am always intrigued by those sent in the early hours when it is ambiguous whether it is a strand of tired communication from late the night before or the first impatient thoughts of a new day. These are strange kind of insomniac correspondance which seem somehow charged with the circumstances of their production. Certain correspondance carry the mental image of their production
48. I have been working to deadline for some time now such that the week ahead is filling me with some apprehension. I know that this next project should not be one performed under pressure nor left until the deadline becomes more pressing and yet without the sense of urgency it is still difficult to begin. Today should be a day of thinking this through and developing a strategy to deal with my habitual indecision
49. The sound of dripping water overhead is making me feel uneasy somehow as though I were experiencing a kind of waking insomnia. It sounds out like the beat of an irregular metronome or timepiece or even a pulse measuring the wasted moments and the failed minutes spent thinking about what I am going to do next. The time spent poised before beginning. I am sure that it will disappear once I have become more immersed in the task ahead. For now though it is causing distraction
50. At the moment I am finding it difficult to create the conditions for the latent thought to ever really develop beyond an emergent state. It feels a little like perpetually planting seeds only to then starve them of water or light once they begin to show signs of life. There is a danger in trying to force fledging thoughts in case like rhubard they become pale and thin. There is a different kind of patience needed which I am currently struggling to find. A different kind of time and attention needed that is sometimes difficult to conjure
51. It is difficult to ever truly reflect self consciously on moments of latency or boredom or even the experience of waiting around for something to happen. Attention immediately transforms such conditions into something else or somehow displaces their internal logic. I am thinking about how Solnit talks about the idea of the distance as always being somewhere beyond reach. Or how the experience of the periphery can only exist whilst looking elsewhere
52. Looking back I think it is possible to witness something of a push/pull dynamic in the way that I work. Some kind of palindromic rhythm where I am as equally enchanted and bored by the things I am thinking about or proposing to be interested in or alternatively that there is an equal amount of compulsion and criticality in the way that things develop. There is clearly a fragile balance between these two drives - the push and the pull; the in and the out. This pull push relationship I think also resonates with earlier thoughts on breath and the inhalations and exhalations of practice. I am concerned that pressure to perform may result in over exhalation, hyper ventilation, puny whispers or asthmatic ideas. I am not sure however whether the pull or the push is more productive. I suppose that at times practice does feel more like it is being pushed or is resistant. I suppose that is in the moments of immersion that the work itself begins to truly pull of its own accord
53. I am finding it hard to begin the work I had set out to do today. I am not so sure that this is the best place to start. I think it is more useful to explore those moments of latency in and between other things where it does not feel so self consciously like trying to force an idea. I suppose I am thinking about those moments of enforced latency like when you are stuck in a lecture or are forced to wait and there is nothing else to do. Or those moments of mobile latency obtained during train travel. Here it is sometimes too easy to find alternative distractions
54. I am finally making some progression. I have begun to navigate the territory and map out possible routes
55. Once again I have failed to begin on time. I seem to be both needing and resisting the notion of a schedule. I am not sure how useful a routine might be in this context. I am not sure how long it takes for a routine to become established and ifin fact there is ever enough time for this to be put into effect.
56. I am beginning to remember connections that I had thought I had forgotten. That I thought were no longer there. Spending time here is gradually allowing me to remember my way around things. Slowly certain ideas are beginning to take shape. I am reading one thing which is reminding me of another, which is in turn reminding me how to approach the current text in hand
57. There are undeniably certain texts that act as gatekeepers to other ideas: as guides or brokers. Sometimes it is difficult to discern these from ones that might as easily lead astray. Sometimes there is in fact little difference to be discerned
58. I am finally reading rather than resisting
59. I suppose I am wondering how reading might be understood as productive rather than supporting a thinking process that is rathermore latent or at least as yet unspoken. Again I am not sure how this might be measured. Unlike writing where you can at least number the words written it is impossible to account for the number of words read. I am not sure how many words I truly read today. I am unable to differentiate which had been mentally vocalised or even understood from those that were bypassed, ignored or simply skimmed past. I know that there were moments when my attention began to wander. These drifts would be noticable in the act of writing as grammatical glitches or incomprehensible sentences. These minor lapses of attention in the act of reading are largely imperceptible for now though have no doubt left intellectual holes that may well be revealed in time
60. If pushed I think it might be something like one word read to every twenty encountered. Of course this is only on average as there are always moments when closer attention is paid and others when whole pages are somehow disregarded
61. I am needing to do nothing today or at least nothing of any particular consequence. It is easy to forget at times that these things are a matter of individual choice and not performed under an obligation or unwritten order
62. I had thought that I had more time and as a consequence have nearly missed it. This realisation has put unexpected pressure on todays events. I am not sure that I am really in the right spirit for such an encounter but will need to make an effort today or decide not to go at all. I am going in the hope of encountering something specific but have failed to check whether it is in fact there
63. I had not imagined that non-places would be such auspicious spaces to think. They present a blank canvas where the absence of social archeology makes it somehow easier to retain a clear head.
64. I am sure that there is something slightly delusional in thinking that the time is right or that things cannot wait. I am sure that this is not really the case and that if I did not act now there would be other moments as equally auspicious. However it is difficult to know whether it is worth taking the risk. There does seem to be a burgeoning sense of debate around those ideas and a sense of momentum building. However I am not sure how useful it is to attempt to get on board with only half imagined ideas. I feel as though it would be good to wait until they become more resolved, but am concerned that by then I will have missed the boat. A critical momentum can only last so long before it begins to ebb
65. The decision to say no has been revoked. I had come so far with this that it seemed foolish to balk at the last hurdle. This proposal though has the potential of wasted investment as a refusal may still come once the text is complete. It is difficult to know whether to invest more energy in the hope that it will be accepted or to use less in anticipation of future failure or rejection; as a way of conserving ideas for other use
66. Create contingency whenever possible. Never have just the one goal instead make actions count for many. Behave purposely without the purpose of an end in sight. Maintain the gap. Keep a distance. Follow others instructions or actions in order to not know what the end might be. Make a list. Create impossible goals. Always fail. Repeat repeat. Undertake rhizomatic activities or actions that operate by a thesaurial logic. Make the goal a Maguffin or the means the end. Play a game. Play by anothers rules. Never declare your real goal. Never have a real goal. Always bail at the last minute. Create problems that cannot be resolved. Operate according to a palindromic logic. Always undo your last action. Try and fail. If you fail you repeat. If you fail to fail you repeat. A double win
67. I am working on a piece of writing about failure and the paradox of the end. One solution is to create knowingly impossible goals, Or to both genuinely try and yet fail to accomplish the task at hand. I am concerned that this becoming a performative piece
68. Slowly I am beginning to get a better sense of what I am doing. Recently I have felt this certainty slide. I am now more certain of the uncertain status of my thinking. Less willing perhaps to forfeit this quality to the precision of others
argument
69. I am interested in the idea of critical inconsistency in terms of both its problematic but also potentiality in relation to thinking. How gaps and holes and voids need not be so much the location of anxiety as the basis for further and continued practice. I suppose that there is a danger in the argument that is sewn up. I guess it is then unable to breath or develop or is essentially dead
70. I have become interested in the various discrepancies and alignments as the events of the day are measured against the prophetic declarations of the mornings horoscope